Cadet Witch Nicola And The Scourge Of The Propy Gander Death Ray

This post is meant to be satirical.

Those of a sensitive disposition or have undergone a sense of humourotomy in the last 25 years, please do not read on.

All characters in the tale are fictitious and any resemblance to real persons, living or dead is purely coincidental.

Please trust me on this in exactly the same way you would trust these other pillars of the establishment – BBC, Scottish Labour and the Westminster Tories


‘Hungry’ was just a little concerned as he marched down the echoing hallways of Pigswill College for Witches.

Despite rumours to the contrary, Pigswill was in fact an acronym of ‘Private Institute Giving Special Witches Instruction in Learning and Leadership’.

So why was Hungry so perturbed? Why was his typically jolly demeanour so untypically unjolly this particular morning.

Cadet Witch Nicola was the source of his anxiety. Hungry knew he shouldn’t have any favourites among the legions of cadets, hand picked  to attend this special place but if he was forced to admit to having a preference then Cadet Witch Nicola would be his pick.

Just as he was approaching the bedroom belonging to the source of his untypical concern, Hungry stopped dead in his tracks. Was that a scream of rage he heard? Surely not. Cadet Witch Nicola, in all the time she had been at the college had never ever been anything but happy and friendly to everyone, witches, teachers, professors, you name it..

The worry lines on Hungry’s giant forehead  magnified. Three giant strides took him to her bedroom door. He stifled the urge to barge in instead settling for giving the door a gentle chap.

“GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME ALONE,” the voice bellowed. “Haven’t you people done enough?”

“And what is it that you think we have done? Whoever ‘we’ is my dear?” he asked softly in a Moggieworld West Country  accent.

“Oh Hungry it’s not you”, came the tearful response. “It’s everyone else in this stinking, dark, rotting, museum of a place and especially that horrible Professor Bawling. I really thought she liked me as well”.

“Oh dear,” exclaimed Hungry “and here was I thinking you loved this place to bits. To be sure it is a bit like that Moggieworld Palace of Westminster right enough”, he continued switching to a Hibernia accent, “but at least this place has been standing for over thirty thousand Moggie years so it has. Now would you be doing yourself a favour and stepping outside to tell Uncle Hungry what on earth it is that has taken the smile from your face and the sunshine from your eyes.”

“As if I didn’t already know,” he muttered under his breath

The sobbing gradually came to an end followed shortly afterwards by the bedroom door opening and a newly composed Cadet Witch Nicola appearing, a small smile trying hard to reach her lips.

“I’m so sorry Hungry really I am,” murmoured Nicola apologetically.

“Hush now my young witch,” countered the giant. “I take it today’s lecture from Professor Bawling on ‘History of Brittania in the Twenty First Moggie Century’ didn’t go very well.”

“Oh Hungry, all I said was what I thought most of the class were thinking and she shouted and screamed at me then got a whole lot of the other witches to turn against me and…..”

“Let’s just leave that for now,” interrupted Hungry gently. “We’ll come back to the fragrant Professor Bawling in due course. Lets just recap for the final time on what you’ve discovered and learned about Brittania for your final exam tomorrow. Start at the very beginning and work through to today. OK?”

Young Nicola composed herself then began:-

“Well let me have a think. Hmm, well first of all more than 2000 Moggie years ago, you had the Romans invading parts of Brittania. They tried hard to take on the whole country but couldn’t quite overcome the people from Caledonia.”

“Go on”, prompted Hungry. “What else can you tell me about the Romans then and the Brittanians now”?

“Oh yes I remember now. In Roman times, when the rich and powerful got more  corrupt, they used to feed the poor to a lion for the entertainment of the brainwashed masses. Two thousand of their years later when the rich and powerful got more corrupt, they fed the poor to something called a Jeremykyle instead”

“Hmmm not bad. Then what”?

“Well, moving on, for some reason the silly Anglians got involved with a lot of people called Norman and that didn’t seem to go down too well but again the people of Caledonia weren’t involved”.

“Eh not quite”, responded the giant shaking is head, unconsciously allowing a small smile to cross his lips nevertheless. “Go back a bit though, if you don’t mind”.

Once again Nicola paused for a few minutes before responding.

“Oh yes, I remember now. Camelot and Lancelot and Arthur and the Round Table.”.

“Good. That’s better. Carry on”.

“Well then there were a lot of battles and fighting and such like. Anglia versus Caledonia. Anglia versus Cambria. Anglia versus quite a few other Moggies as I recall. Then it was powerful Moggies against poor Moggies and corrupt Moggies against decent Moggies.

“Hmm, interesting. Anything strike you as different during this period”.

The little witch ruminated this for a spell before a flash of lightning seemed to burst in her eyes

“Yes”, she cried exultantly. There was this famous Moggie named Robin Hood. He seemed to ‘break the mould’ . Standing up for the poor while robbing the rich to feed the starving made him kind of famous.”, she paused. He is somebody I’d like to emulate one day”.

“Eh let’s not get ahead of ourselves shall we”, cautioned Hungry. Nevertheless he couldn’t quite hide the look of pride from showing on his face. “Carry on”, he coaxed, looking at the miniature sundial he wore strapped to his wrist.

“Well then there was a hell of a lot more wars and battles….Oops sorry for swearing”, she mumbled.

Hungry just waved his hand as if urging her to finish.

“Then more wars and battles and Great Fires and Great Diseases and yet more cases of Anglia trying to bully everybody. God there must have been some nasty people in Anglia at the time. Must have been the influence of all these guys called Norman”.

“Geez I thought we’d sorted that out kid” exclaimed Hungry, his voice taking on the accent of someone from the north portion of the Americas.

“Sorreeeeee”‘ retorted Nicola, oblivious to the grin that flashed briefly on the giant’s face. “Then”, she continued,  more wars and fighting and the rich getting richer while the poor starved. And then the whole of Moggieworld seemed to unite against a really nasty bunch of other Moggies and then there were two really mega fights and then…….” she stopped, suddenly unsure of herself.

“And then”, prompted Hungry.

The young witch hesitated for a few moments before steeling herself

“And then there was a very brief spell when everyone was happy for a time. Then all the good Moggies suddenly seemed to transform into the evil Moggies they’d defeated and then the wars and fights and battles and arguments started all over and now, right at this minute the good Moggies who had defeated the bad Moggies have now joined forces with the bad Moggies to bully and starve one of the good Moggies who had helped the good Moggies to defeat the bad Moggies and ..oh Hungry I’m so confused”, she moaned, throwing her arms in the air.

“Hush girl”, comforted Hungry. “You’re not alone in feeling confused. No one up here in Pigswill understands the Moggies”.

He paused briefly before looking Nicola directly in the eyes. “So young witchy poo”, he asked gently. “Tell me more about your um disagreement, shall we say, with the bold Professor Bawling.”

Nicola’s eyes moistened as she replied”. “Oh Hungry it was soooo horrible. All I said was that with all that history, surely the people of Catalonia and Hibernia and Cambria would be better off breaking away from the people of Anglia and she went berserk. She yelled at me, told me I didn’t know what I was talking about and then asked the whole blinking institute if they should listen to me, an uneducated cadet witch or listen to her, an esteemed Professor and of course they all laughed and jeered at me and, oh Hungry, it was just horrible”. with that she burst out sobbing again and buried her face in her hands.

Hungry couldn’t help himself. Despite all the protocols put in place, he found himself reaching down to hug the young witch. After a minute he broke away from the embrace but held on to her arms, waiting until the sobbing ceased.

“Listen to me young Nicola”, he commanded. “and listen very carefully. Every now and again, Pigswill picks the brightest and most promising young witches. They are then made ready to go on a mission to spread  some of our magic to the silly people of Moggieworld. Professor Bawling is a very, very, nice and talented teacher and person”. he ignored Nicola’s stubborn shake of the head.

“Yes”,  he persisted “Professor Bawling is indeed a very, very, very nice person. Not only that, Professor Bawling was once just like you. She was once a special Cadet Witch”.

Nicola’s eyes widened in disbelief. She started to say something but Hungry gently placed one of his huge, sausage like fingers against her lips.

“She was indeed just such a Cadet Witch”, he repeated. “And she was indeed ‘wheeched’ away to Moggieworld. And she did indeed spread a great deal of magic to the Moggies and she did become very famous but…” This time it was his turn to hesitate.

“Cadet Witch Nicola, have you ever heard the saying power corrupts and absolute power corrupts absolutely”?

“Yes of course Hungry but….”

“But me no buts lassie”, the giant pressed on in a voice that had suddenly become Caledonian. “Professor Bawling got herself involved, silly woman, with a couple of powerful and corrupt Moggies and before we had a chance to ‘wheech’ her back to Pigswill she let herself fall under the spell of the Propy Gander Death Ray. Once zombified, she then exceeded her remit and spread the wrong type of magic. She and her Moggie colleagues used this forbidden ‘Propy Gander Death Ray’ again, this time accompanied by the ‘Subliminal Messaging’ poison and  fooled a large part of Caledonia. Eventually we did ‘wheech’ her back for some intense reprogramming, leaving a substitute in her place. That work is still in progress so to speak but ‘Her Professorship’ is still a tad sore, hence her tantrum. She, and I’m afraid to say, Caledonia and indeed the rest of Brittania  will find out their mistake in the fullness of time, trust me on that. Now..”, once again he paused before lifting his massive hands to the young witch’s shoulders.

“Tell me what you have learned about the People of Moggieworld and in particular the people of Brittania. Take your time but not too long”, he instructed, glancing again at his sundial.

A good few minutes elapsed in silence before Nicola mentally steeled herself and said.

“The people of Moggieworld and in particular Brittania are on the whole a jolly decent bunch. They are, however, very easily brainwashed by the powerful and corrupt’s use of the Propy Gander Ray Gun that turns good people into brainwashed zombies. The thing that really confuses me though is why the Moggies continue to repeat the bad things in their history, while ignoring the good things like Robin Hood and especially the Knights of the Round Table. Surely getting everyone round the Round Table would take away the need for all the wars and battles and fights”.

“You’ll do for me lassie”, Hungry retorted before turning his back on Nicola.  After a brief moment he suddenly whirled round to reveal, not Hungry but  Professor Ahlek, College Governor of Pigswill.

“Surprise, Surprise” he grinned.

“Professor Ahlek”, she blurted out. “I don’t understand.”

“Sorry Nicola. Your job is not to understand. Your job is to go and spread some magic…Goodbye”.

“NOOOOOOOOH..” Nicola screamed as the carpeted floor under her feet suddenly disappeared and she found herself falling and falling and falling until….

WHUMP!! …….Fifteen year old Nicola found herself lying in her bed. “Wow. What a dream”, she groaned, as reality slowly hit.

Meanwhile back in Pigswill, Professor Ahlek shook his head “Another one away to spread some magic”, he muttered smiling to himself.

Now who would be next to take her place?

Truth be told he would need to try somehow to get the rest of the Board of Directors, or the Magic Circle as Professor Ahlik referred to them, to reconsider turning down his recommendation regarding another outstanding young witch. A frown creased his giant brow as he recalled the conversation.

“Are you out of your mind, Ahlek”? they’d chorused. “We’re in enough trouble as it is with WWW.COM (Witches, Wizards Watchdog. Censor of Magic) and you want us to send down a witch with the surname Black.

‘Black Witch’. yeah they’ll really have a lot of fun with that”.

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